Incredibly Realistic Strategy for Biking 285km in One Day

I mentioned in a previous post that I signed up for the Biking for Breakfast Challenge, a one-day bike ride across all of this glorious province with all its rolling hills, potholes, and roadkill. I signed up for this with the intention of perhaps doing a relay with a couple of other people or just doing 150-200km. Although, once you already do 200km, what's another 85km? Now I feel pressure to do the whole thing. Pressure from no one in particular, perhaps just the altitude from being waaaay up on the third floor at work.

How to Bike Really Far in One Day
- Weather: Pray to the weather Gods and Goddesses everyday until the event occurs. Such prayers include humidity levels, precipitation amounts, UV index, and, most critically wind direction and speed. In this case, I *think* but have not decided for certain, that winds from the southwest are best. That way the headwinds are done with early in the day.

- Conveyor belt: I will spend the next 1.5 months constructing a conveyor belt in key locations. The belt with go from Borden to Clyde River area. Since round-abouts seem to be "in" this season, in Crapaud I will design a complicated round-about and sell doughnuts to commemorate the event.

- Attachable child's wagon: I will arrange for a fellow rider to attach one of the kiddie-pull wagons to his/her bike. When I tire or wish to take a nap, I will go in the wagon and let the other cyclist pull me along.

- Motor: Some kids passed me on his bike the other day because it had a loud motor that sounded like a motorcycle. I will borrow his bike. for the interior 220km. The first 35km I will do on my own bike, along with the last 30km. No one will ever suspect.

- Hydration: I will link my bike up with a complicated hydration system. It will be linked through a CamelBack/Pack/whatever they are called and offer a variety of drinks. Critical will be: cherry slushy, Coke Light (not Diet Coke - entirely different), a lighter beer - preferably Brahma, water (I guess...), and jagerbombs. It will be heavy to lug this around on my back all day, but it will be worth it.

- Entertainment/Safety: Ideally, children will follow me the whole way blowing bubbles at me and singing songs of encouragement. Two of the children would be riding llamas. One will be crying from having recently been stung by a bee. This child works to attract the bees to herself, instead of me.

- Clothing: I will cleverly arrange in advance for someone to have dry clothing for me at the halfway point. Depending on the temperature, I tend to get a little cold when I take breaks but am in sweaty clothes. Possible solution is to bike in bathing suit, but then threats of chaffing loom.

- Time machine: This may not work as well as I originally thought, as based on the time travel concepts displayed in Back to the Future, you will move through time, but remain in the same locations. X and Y coordinates of displacement = 0. Only 4th dimension coordinates change. In this scenario...

- Displacement machine/Matter transporter: This would take care of the actual changing of location. I would use it to cheat the whole way... just a few select hills or roads with a crappy shoulder would be skipped.

- Protective bubble: this protective bubble would be weightless, extremely aerodynamic, waterproof, windproof, AND a beautiful colour. It would also protect from road debris and the threat of being wiped off the road by a wavering car.

These, and more finely crafted plans, should ensure I don't die.