Monday, September 10, 2012

Remove the x chromosome, replace it with a y.

One day last week, a lovely friend and I were out for a lovely stroll around the lovely city. We also had some lovely beer on lovely Victoria Row, where it was cold and the server provided us with lovely blankets. On the way back to the bear cave (I'm still trying to come up with an appropriate name for chez Boyfriend and I), we were talking about guys we play frisbee with. We were jealous that they are naturally faster than us, even the ones with perfectly placed late second trimester bellies. It's the opposite of girls: when we gain weight our legs get wider and then the chafe at the top and we can barely walk two kilometres without a tube of Vaseline between our legs, let alone spend the night sprinting up and down a frisbee field.

So then lovely friend I talked about what it would be like to be in a male's body for a day, in particular, a relatively fit male.

Things that would need to be done:

  • Bladder releasing. First off, I would pee. Everywhere. Into the toilet. I would miss because I would purposely be lazy. Then I would drink a lot more water and pee on the side of a building and write my name (not Jennifer, I would have a boy name for the day). After that I would pee in a garden, then in an alley, in the woods, on the way home from the bar - EVERYWHERE. My territory would be so marked the Romans would had made me Emperor back in the day.
  • Become fast. I would run fast, bike fast, swim fast (although I don't think men are as naturally buoyant as women so maybe it might not be an advantage at first), punch fast, drink fast, many fast things. Except walking. Most men don't walk fast.
  • Become strong. I would open difficult to open jars. Throw things further. Carry heavy things. (But since I'd be male for only a day people wouldn't catch on quickly enough so I wouldn't have to help people move houses. Nice.)
  • Look at my toes. I haven't been able to stand straight up and glance down at my toes since puberty. I need to lean over now.
  • Burp. Based on le Boyfriend, men need to burp often. I assume if they don't, their bellybuttons explode.
  • Cook. Mediocre cooking is so much more impressive when you're male.
  • Be funny. Although I'm already hilarious so f-bomb you sexual stereotypes that women aren't funny.
  • Pick up at the bar and not become emotionally confused afterwards. Although picking up as a male would be more difficult because women have standards.
  • X-rated things. Alone. And with other people. Multiple other people! But let's keep this a bit less R-rated.
  • Get bonked in the testicles. Just to see how much it really hurts.
  • Carry a guitar so university girls would think I'm hot. 
  • Not wear a shirt.
  • Be incredibly hairy.. and that would be okay.
  • Eat a lot and not think about the waist-line consequences.
  • Streak! Because male nudity is funny.
What would you do, bloggie friends?