Tuesday, February 22, 2011

An Open Letter to Winter

Dear Winter:

Ah, still here? Your presence is never subtle. As a guest in my life, I find you take advantage of my positive attitude and kind soul. I let you into my life, and even tried to embrace you. I had to put out financially, purchasing more wool socks, snowshoes, skates, a car, and an icescraper for my car.  But I put in a very solid effort to building our relationship.

You are being to exert a physical and mental tole on my body. You never pick up after yourself (the driveway has been full of snow for two months; I haven't seen a blade of grass in weeks), you're causing dry-skin grossness ick to my beautiful face, and you insist on whipping through the air like a hijacked train. You are making me neglect things I love. My sexy bicycles are giving me the cold shoulder; my dresses are so limp in my closet. My sandals are giving me sad looks and wondering why they are collecting dust in the entryway.

I find you are also a demanding guest. I tried to be patient and shovel out my car one day so I wouldn't get stuck. But you insisted I didn't shovel enough, and I got stuck anyway and ended up being too late to get to my destination. You are also making an absolute mess of the hallways at work. I find myself having to change my footware much more than I deem acceptable on a daily basis. And let's not get started on how you are rude and sometimes trip me. I was gently wading through snow to work and you made me fall. I wouldn't make you fall if you were rushing to get somewhere.

And think of the children! You are denying them of their education. The schools close because you get so arrogant and insist on making your presence known. Many already loved you, do not get so bold that you do not find our love to be enough.

I have your things packed.  You may leave at any time.  You are welcome back next December, but I'm expecting you to behave a little better.

Yours sincerely,

PS: I do appreciate your lack of bone-chilling temperatures, however.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Theoretical Snow Day vs. Actual Snow Day

Last Monday the University shut down at 5:00pm due to snow blowing through the air and whipping people in the face and winter being, you know, winter-y. I was a little disappointed as after mingling with (eating) a few cookies at our Valentine's Day potluck I was planning on going to the gym and abusing myself to the point of movement causing throngs of pain the following day. Instead, I walked home and did sad things like clean the kitchen, vacuum, and wash to-be-painted walls. Luckily I had plans for later so the threat of becoming the Old Maid featured in my least favourite card game ever (called, "Old Maid") did not loom too largely.

Tuesday morning arrived (usually a safe bet following Monday night) and despite still being mildly blustery, the radio and the vast metropolis of the Internet insisted that the uni was running as usual. I walked to work because it gives me a superiority complex (and I missed the bus by about four seconds as I stood in awe on the other side of the road dragging out the waste bin) and was pretty sure Zeus had filled each individual snowflake with a small blade that were causing my face and eyeballs to bleed. "Flurries" at the university was a slight understatement. The winds were howling and the small children at UPEI's daycare had to be chained down to prevent blowing to Newfoundland. The snow was piercing faces and students were falling trying to pass the sidewalks and snowy walkways. Most of us survived and exploded through the doors like weakened champions. I unlock my office door and am immediately told, "UPEI has just announced it is closed for the day!"

Usually snowdays are met with cheers and champagne popping, but given the effort I put into getting to work I wasn't feeling the need for a bubbly drink. Just a face-to-face apology from whoever made the decision about two hours too late and ancient weather Gods and Goddesses.

The Sunday prior I had thought about how useful a snowday would be. I would paint my room, protest the slaughter of left-handed chimpanzees, solve the mystery of ancient crop circles, translate the third Harry Potter book into an ancient form of gaelic known only by a top-secret organisation, and perhaps watch a little bit of tv if I had time. My snow day took the following itinerary:
  1. Sit on bed. Play video game on phone.

  2. Find phone to be extremely heavy; curiously, much like my eyelids. Fall asleep for 1.5 hours.

  3. Wake up. Read. Eat lunch.

  4. Watch tv. Laugh.

  5. Twiddle my thumbs. Go to car (PS: I bought a car!) to retrieve Nibs that I had hidden from myself.

  6. Eat Nibs. Read. Give myself 19 cavities.

At this point I had fallen behind on my planned activities. I had no paint to paint walls, did not have the proper ingredients to cook my desired food of the day, and could not find my ancient-gaelic->English dictionary. I was eventually productive in that I fixed a formatting issue for someone in Word, ate supper, and watched a wee bit more tv.

In a related note, if winter doesn't end soon I'm driving to Cuba. It was pointed out to me that one cannot drive from PEI to Cuba for Cuba is an island without a bridge link. However, I have not yet fully explored the variety of buttons in my car and I suspect one of the buttons converts my car into a small-but-zippy watercraft. Hopefully this doesn't affect trunk space.

Thursday, February 03, 2011

Let's go car shopping!

I'm in the process of buying a car. So far I am at step one - selecting the car. I have been at step one for about a month. I haven't even figured out a brand, company, line, whatever they're called. At the rate I'm going, step 5 (driving the car home) should take place on June 23, 2013. Let me know if you need a drive anywhere on that day and we'll have plenty of time to plan ahead and make arrangements.

Set the scene, mate: 28-year-old female. Doesn't like spending money. Doesn't have a big interest in cars. Tends to be indecisive about 99% of most things. Likes quirky, un-safe colours.

Car preference: something that doesn't have only two doors. Something that is not grey, light blue, white, yellow, or sad. (The colour "sad" tends to vary, but is a weak hue that offers no inspiration in life. If the poor outlook of Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh were a colour, this would be it.) Round as opposed to linear. (View interior of Matrix vs. Corolla for further example. Bubbles = good, rectangles = bad.) Ideally an automatic. There should also be an eject button for when I am escaping from bad guys and need an emergency exit and am willing to sacrifice the life of car for my own well-being. Hieroglyphics should be etched onto the hubcaps. Interpretation of these drawings will lead to the whereabouts of an undiscovered tomb, housing hundreds of Egyptian and alien artifacts (alien artifacts were stolen by the Egyptians, then hidden as to not disturb the calm of Egyptian society). The back seat/trunk/hatchback area must be spacious enough (when seats are folded down) to place a manatee wounded by poachers.

It is also critical the car is of a colour that can show off these awesome stickers I plan to cover it with: Tiki Toes.

The car should also match my skin tone which is making the prospect of silver cars awkward. Instead, I present to you, the Orange Accent, which is currently making my heart throb. (Link will be broken if the car is sold, which it was not at the time this was posted.) Sadly, you will note the lack of hieroglyphics on the hub caps. Shoot. (Also, silver is not a real colour. It's an element on the Periodic Table with the abbreviation Ag. If mangnesium, plutonium, helium, and lithium are not colours, neither is silver. The colour "silver" is actually shiny grey.

Oooooh, frustrated. Secret: the car I actually want is a shiny red Honda Fit. But even used ones start at $12,000, plus $6,894,987 in taxes.

Maybe. I think. Maybe not. It's kind of funny looking on the outside. But so are anteaters but people still like them.