Monday, January 26, 2009

Green eyed monster

Lately I've been thinking about jealousy a lot as I've been hit with a hard batch a couple of times this week. It's a pretty simple yet relatively complex emotion. Simple in that it is almost like an equation: jealousy is what you feel upon becoming agitated when seeing someone having something(one!) you want.

As of late pangs of jealousy stem from hanging around an ex-boyfriend. It's a curious feeling, and I think the jealousy one feels when accepting an ex-boyfriend is free to develop relationships with another is an effect of a few questions that one faces, and may not ever really be able to answer. More bothersome for me is that I was the one who ended our relationship, so sometimes I feel I have to forfeit the rights to jealousy.

I think when one feels jealousy it's important to identify which factor is making you jealous. In regards to the ex-boyfriend, what is the issue? Is it the, "But I want to date you!", the "You are in a relationship with someone who isn't me!", or "You have found someone, potentially the person you will spend the rest of your life with."

Definitely the third one. Very occasionally the first one (because we are 95 percent compatible, but the remaining 5 percent highlights my 'deal breakers'), sometimes the second one, but were the event to materialise, it would be the third. My poor brain does not comprehend how two people finally know when they have found the person they will spend the 'rest' of their lives with (ideally both members of the couple will have determined this person to be the other person).

Another example of jealousy is when I hear about someone going to work at Disney World under the same program I went on. I get jealous in more of a sad than bitter way. That is a bit easier to pinpoint though, I never think, "Sure wish I could do the bread spiel again 20 times a day!" (Though it does lead to good money.) "Sure wish I could go to a party for 20 mins only to have security break it up." It's easily, "I wish I could be with my friends down there again, having fun, and wearing summer clothes, going to the parks, having fantastic days off and nights for clubbing." le sigh!

Anyway, I had great aspirations to write, and had mentally set out what I was prepared to share, but then about halfway through the phone rang and gabbered on it for 75 mins and somewhat lost my focus on this. But I think jealousy does give you the opportunity to focus: what is it I want? What about that situation do I desire? It is not always evident on the surface and may require some digging.

Sometimes I get jealous of peers with Federal Government jobs. Never because of the actual job position (at least not yet), but the mobility and pay scale that comes with it. Also, the absurd quantity of PAID vacation time! The option for two un-paid months off per year! Blah blah blah.

However, I am jealous of NO ONE'S winter vacation plans, for mine are amazing and YOU should be jealous of me, hee!! brag brag brag

I wonder what life will be like this time next year. If you told me January 25,2008, what I would be doing on January 25, 2009, I probably would have looked at you with a rather bizarre look on my face. "Well, why am I living on PEI? Why did I break up with my boyfriend but still hang out with him randomly? How did I finally lose my Scotland and Florida weight?! How come your car looks like it may fall apart at any second? Do I still not own a cute Shetland pony that I keep in my office? etc."

I need to go to bed. Stupid Monday mornings coming before I'm ready for them. Two more days of weekend, please?

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