The Mysterious Case of the Vanishing Bobby Pins

Generally when I lose something I usually find about 3 bobby pins while I'm looking for the object I lost. Every time I pull something from my pocket a bobby pin is generally attached. The darn things just find their way EVERYWHERE. A package of bobby pins usually contains about sixty of them. One probably thinks, "Wow! Sixty bobby pins! That is more than anyone could ever use in her entire life!!!"

But somehow, a package of bobby pins lasts only about a year. The things constantly vanish. I have a few theories:

• The inventor of the bobby pin (or her/his estate) gets $0.000000001 for each bobby pin sold. At that rate, it would be worth paying someone to go out and steal them from users so they would have to buy more.


• Bobby pins are part rabbit: they breed at intense levels (which is why when you look for one you suddenly find 15), but need solitude to do so. They leave your home for a few months, and suddenly you find numerous of them in a box under your stairs. The ones that have lost the little plastic bit on the end are ready to reproduce.


• Magnetic forces of gravity. Scientists don't care so they never bothered to look into it, but the speed of the Earth's rotation around the sun combined with a thinning atmosphere has created an environment where bobby pins are pulled from their natural resting place and down to the ground... possibly even pulled down as far as the Earth's core. THIS is the blame for global warming: the finely crafted, metal bobby pins are heating up and shooting rays of heat to the Earth's surface. While scientists have been looking up to the sun for the cause of our warming Earth (oh, PS, it's below seasonal here), they really should be looking down... You heard it here first, Friends.


• Elves. The wee wankers are running about at night (or the day if your sleep schedule is a bit off) stealing the things. Originally the elves used them to create a large metropolis entirely of bobby pins. They did this after their original kingdom of popsicle sticks burnt to the ground in the Tragic Fire of 1939. In fact, some say this triggered the invasion of Poland and lead to the commencement of World War II. This is usually omitted in history texts due to the difficulty of obtaining photographic proof.

If you find constantly updating you stash of bobby pins to be too time consuming and is eating into your budget, maybe I suggest you look in the following places to replenish your stock:

• Girls' washroom.


• Hole in purse.


• Locker room floor.


• My floor. Actually, pick any room in the house.


• Church. While you're there, skim through the bible. Let me know how it ends.


• Follow around someone with an up-do. Bobby pins dribble out of hair like mushy squash from a toddler's mouth.

May your hair be fancy and grand.