Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Stress eats your brain

If you were part of the solar system, would you be a planet or the sun?

I would be a planet. I tried explaining this to someone recently in regards to change. The person nodded like I was making plenty of sense. Good sign.

Essentially, I don`t like when change revolves around me and I'm merely a bystander. I'd rather be involved, directing rather than reacting. But once in awhile I play the role of the sun and watch life rotate around me and feel the stress of being static creep into my head.

(Also, although I suppose Pluto isn't a planet anymore, I would be Pluto. Entirely based on my Junior High obsession with, cough, Sailormoon. I recall telling my mum one day how wonderful it would be to have black hair with dark green highlights, à la Sailorpluto. While she didn't disagree, her silence was noted.)

Last week lots of people moved away (lots = 3) and I siiiiighed. Last time oodles of friends moved away on the same time I spent the following six months hanging out with a recently-moved-home ex-boyfriend.

Hey, you know what's a bad idea? Hanging out with your ex-boyfriend for six months. (Three months = obviously acceptable.)

So people were packing up luggage, cars, etc., and I was just, you know, hanging out. Medium-length story short, I had a job offer on a CIDA internship mid-week last week. Interview was random seeing as I hadn't actually applied for the position. I Disney-attacked the interview (new verb for bouncing in with 800% energy and 589% enthusiasm). References were called and I had the job offer less than 24 hours later. Job would involve working with local organisation in Charlottetown until Nov 4, then flying to INDIA for five months, followed by two more months of work in PEI. I would had spent this week in Nova Scotia at training and the rest of October trying to finish my current work contract (have been very busy at work lately) and trying to fulfill commitment to local organisation.. oh, and all the administrative fun that goes with moving to a new country.

This is what my brain looked like as it tried to figure out how to spend the next eight months of my life:

That's right, like a giant cat following a jellybean into a vortex as music flows through the air.

Maybe not quite exactly, but somewhat accurate. In a related note, I love graphic software.

Here is what happened between Tuesday post interview until turning down the job early Thursday afternoon.

First: Hmm, think that interview actually went quite well. YYAAAAAY, I'm moving to India and am going to have a pet elephant and help wonderful children!
Second: Wait - do I actually want to move to India?
Fourth: But you'll be unemployed in June and will have just spent eight months earning minimal dollars. You HATE being unemployed.
Fifth: But you love travelling and "experiencing"!
Sixth: I will not accept the job right away if they call, but will tell them I will let them know within 24 hours. *feels responsible and smug, and falls asleep*
Seventh: Following morning... Huh, do I actually want to move to India?
Eighth: Phone call comes in.. job offer, become bouncy and excited.
Nineth: Fall into state of panic and do not want to leave job that offers 48 weeks of vacation per year
Tenth: Start freaking out about dorm living accommodations, closest city not being super safe, read about isolation and volunteers felling confined in living accommodations.
Eleventh: Read about local National Parks. Perk up again and decide will accept job offer!
Twelfth: Hostel style accommodations for five months creeps back into brain

blah blah blah. So essentially I changed my mind about 30 times, and finally decided not to accept the position. Things I realised:
  1. You do not move to the other side of the world just so you will have something to talk about and new Facebook profile pictures.

  2. You do not move to the other side of the world to impress people. Most people won't care and just think you're even flakier than they originally thought.

  3. Seeing an elephant not in a zoo is not a good reason to move to India for five months. (Still not convinced of this, but anyway.)

  4. If warned living conditions may leave you feeling isolated and confined, two of your least favourite things that aren't food, perhaps you should really take that into consideration.

  5. Giving up flexible job in crappy economy might not be so smart.

  6. I like *doing* things when I travel. I'm slightly passed wandering around in a city for hours. I want to bike for seven hours. I want to zipline. My holidays, as of late, tend to focus on being with friends that I see only once every couple of years and being active.

I dunno. I'm still trying to justify the entire 'no' thing. It's hard to turn down something that's a good opportunity and would be an amazing experience. But you don't have to do something just because it seems like you should. I guess. Ugggggggh. But I'm pretty sure I made the right decision.

If not, it'll be a long winter of me making weird pictures to post on the Internet. See above photo again for reference.

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